So you have a hangover…

Its no fucking mystery we like to drink over here.

This was day 2 of a 3 day binge

This was day 2 of a 3 day binge. Yes, I had an afro. No, I don’t wanna talk about it.

In the spirit of said drinking I figured I’d share the secret behind how we manage to drink and maintain jobs/relationships. Its all in how you handle the hangover, and that my friends, we do gracefully.

Lets start with the shit that DOESN’T work.

– Hair of the dog. Seriously? WHY would this work? All it does is get you right back to drunk (and FAST might I add so if thats what you’re going for, by all means, rock that shower beer) and delay the inevitable. Don’t be a moron.

– Coffee/caffeine of any sort. NOPE. I mean if you already drink coffee daily then fine but trust me, its only going to exacerbate your headache. Its a vasoconstrictor, meaning it narrows your blood vessels and increases blood pressure. And that’s the last thing you need.

– Greasy breakfast. Everyone swears by this shit but I swear on the grave of Carl Sagan that fifth piece of greasy diner sausage is only going to hurt you. All that carbs and grease is just going to knock you out and probably make you even more nauseous, and if you haven’t got time for a nap, stick to light and healthy foods.

fuck off

fuck off

OKAY. Lets get into the shit that WORKS. Lets kick that hangover in the DICK

First off –

1. Potassium, K? (fuckin WORDPLAY BITCHES! Your booze addled brain JUST GOT BLOWN). But seriously, Potassium. I discovered this after reading like the 500th article on the subject, gave it a shot, and would now gobble the knob of whoever turned me onto it because IT FUCKING WORKS. Eat a banana. Drink that Vitamin Water Revive shit. Eat 10 bananas. Suck a gorilla’s dick, whatever, its worth it.

Man this articles focusing a lot on dicks. Don’t read into that.

2. Water. I know this is obvious but drink a fuck ton. While the science behind hangovers is fuzzy (its NOT just dehydration sheeple) water will help clean your filthy filthy system out. Supplement that shit with sports drinks or PEDIALYTE (my go to) and you’ll be in good shape.

3. Toast with Honey. There’s some science behind this but i’m too fucked up too look it up just take my word.

4. Exercise. I know this is like the last thing you wanna do, but its worth it. Light jog, walk, or better yet, get your fuck on. Thats the best option as orgasms help with the headache too.

5. Pills. A pain pill or 4, multivitamin, and preferably things that focus on Liver health like Milk Thistle, that shits glorious. Check out Drinkwel! Best shit out there!

6. Healthy but large breakfast. Fruit (besides the banana you already ate because YOU TRUST ME), yogurt, granola, you get the gist. Hippy shit. Greens. Salad with a light dressing with plenty o veg. Miso soup rocks.

Obviously, its best to plan ahead. Eating before drinking, water while drinking, eating after drinking, etc – but I’m guessing if you’re here you regularly make bad decisions..

NOW THEN. Go get hammered, read one of our sweet dicked (dammit there I go again) reviews, and take my advice. You’re in Papa Bacchus’ capable hands now.


6 replies »

  1. Re-reading this dick-littered treatise on hangovers, I am beginning to see it as fucking brilliant! Shit, our Boss is a damn humanitarian & shit! I think this article should be republished in ROLLING STONE, NEW TIMES, PLAYBOY, shit, even
    LADIES HOME JOURNAL, which has gone underground & is being printed in some dank basement, titled DYKES ON BIKES; Good Advice for All Bitches. I think one remedy left out is spend 15 sold minutes staring at a woman’s breasts, no touchy, licky, kissy–just stare a them for the full time; then gobble them & shit. Always worked for me, that & cinnamon/honey/cayenne mixed with sour cream on a bagel.

    Liked by 1 person

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