Indie horror

Gnome Alone (2015)

Abandon all hope of a decent film, ye who enter here!

Instead, gird your loins for some grade A fucking garbage! And believe me, I mean that shit in the best possible way.

gnome-alone

Shitfaced as I am, I had no real expectations here. I knew just what the silly fuck I was getting into, and lets be clear on that topic: its the next generations Leprechaun, and the fact that Mini Me is the main villain certainly helps the situation.

DRINK OF CHOICE

Whiskey, neat. While it may be a fucking gnome, there’s a straight connection to leprechauns, and consequently the Irish in me goes immediately for Mama’s Milk.

SYNOPSIS

OK HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. I am ALL ABOUT the college party as the decent setup for some fun and fornication but GET THE DRINKING GAMES RIGHT. What are these dorm jockies playing, quarters with a beer pong setup…?

LOL I DUNNO BRO

LOL I DUNNO BRO

Anyway. Sorry. Where was I?

Gnomes. Yes. Ok.

SO – this witch betrays a Leprechaun (should I capitalize that…? fuck it) who consequently curses her and anyone who comes in contact with her for eternity. The witch, as a result, summons a GUARDIAN gnome (not a garden gnome, which is presumably the eventual derivation). Said Guardian Gnome protects anyone who bears ‘The Mark’, killing her enemies, and eventually anyone he deems a threat…which, oddly, becomes everyone. Okeedokey.


3uZjpem

BACCHUS’ BACCHANALISTICS

Nudity

SHOP NO FURTHER CHITTLINS. In the first 10 minutes there’s a lesbian scene between a teacher and a student. That’s…pretty much everyones fantasy, I think, right? Even my girlfriend was geeked on it. Also, some muddy ass titties and some seriously kinky shit near the end. I mean holy fuck. AWESOME.

Gore

Hilarious and cheesy as all fucking get. Thank god the brightest light source is gorram candle or we could actually SEE how shitty some of it is. Still. I suppose thats the point.

Humor

Its evident this movie doesn’t take itself remotely seriously. I mean, for fucks sake, Verne fucking Troyer is the villain – i’m more intimidated by my cat on a catnip trip. But that’s extremely beside the point, since I’d watch this mother fucker chase down grown ass men all day. Or hamsters. I would also watch him chase hamsters.

gnome-alone-trailer

CONCLUSIONS

I feel like this movie started as the brain child of a bunch of bored drunk porn stars.

DONT GET ME WRONG, thats not a bad thing.

Main gripe here – the fucking desaturation. The shitty fuck lighting. I feel like no one has any idea how to operate a simple fucking light switch – I seriously sat through the full 90 minutes praying for the sun to rise.

So whats left to say? I mean, what really is left of the film? Its terrible. Its pants-shitting hilarious.

There’s some seriously stellar performances, especially Officer Kelly (Erik Aude). I mean I’d watch that dude riff on an audience for an hour and PAY for that shit NO JOKE.

But should you watch it? HAH. FUCK YEAH. I’m talkin you saddle up to a bottle – nothin fancy of course – you get reaaaallll familiar with that bottle, like see what its bottom looks like from the inside, and then you pop this flick on. You sit back, content in your cozy haze, and you experience Verne Troyer as the creepy spiritual successor to Warwick Davis, of Leprechaun fame. Will you be impressed? Probably not. Will you be amused? Fucking likely.

“I like you better with your mouth shut” HAHAHAHA. This movies all about the final 30 minutes. STICK THE FUCK AROUND, its worth it.

Snag a copy here!

TL;DR 6/10. I’m still not convinced this isn’t a soft core Skinimax porn. Still, fucking hilariously entertaining. (long as there’s a bottle in arms reach)

TRAILER


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3 replies »

  1. “To gnome me is to love me”, “you don’t gnome shit,”–“I wish I had gnomed you as a kid,”–“Shit, I just don’t gnome.” This review is classic, pure Papa B; hooched to the max, yet tantalizing, informative, interesting. The Leprechaun, Puppet Master, Chucky series always kind of tickled me, killer munchkins, like killer tomatoes, just cannot hold a candle to killer klowns from outer space or bumfuck Egypt.

    Liked by 1 person

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