Christmas Horror

Jack Frost (1997)

Continuing in the Xmas spirit, I’m bringing you one of the zaniest fucking flicks I’ve seen in a while – Jack Frost. I’ve found a shit ton of people critiquing this movie seriously, as if it wasn’t completely tongue in cheek.  Its billed as a gorram Comedy first, and the villain is a genetically modified SNOW MAN.

So take it with a grain of sand people.

Also – don’t get confused, I know theres a number Jack Frosts out there, such as…

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NO, my friends, it is NONE of these, but rather…

Jack Frost 1997 poster

Incidentally he looks nothing like this but ITS OOOOKAAAYYYY

 

Drink of Choice

You’ll have to forgive me, dear readers, for this write up. I’m nursing the most colossal hangover and the right side of my face hurts from blocking a speeding wall with my face – so for this one, its the mother of mercy Bloody Mary for me. And I find it a bit apropos – consider it the drink to combat the icy brilliance that is Jack Frost.

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SYNOPSIS

Sooooo…serial killer Jack Frost gets his jollies off by wandering from town and offing a few locals, getting bored, and moseying on down the road. That is, until he gets nabbed by a local hero cop, and finally put away – but not before Jack swears everlasting vengeance on our hero cop claiming ‘I WILL FIND A WAY!’.

Supah creep! Supah creep! He's supah creeeepahhhhh!!

Something something liver something something farva beans and a nice chianti

Cut to a paddy wagon barreling through a blizzard, on its way to Execution Town, with Jack Frost and another unlucky passenger in tow. Jack, true to his word, finds a way when they collide with another truck, spilling the killer and captors out onto the snow.

"Maybe if we BOTH look through the window I can drive better."

“Maybe if we BOTH look through the window I can drive better.”

Just when things look to be getting a little murdery, the other truck explodes, coating Jack with some sort of genetically modifying acid that merges Jacks DNA with…the snow.

(I thought about giving a spoiler alert there BUT I think my readers are a little smarter than the average internet troglodyte and you MAY have figured that out by now.)

I digress.

After Jacks merger with the snow he uses his new found Frost-y powers (did you see what I did there? Fuckin WORDPLAY ALL UP IN THIS BITCH) to exact his revenge on the town of…Snowmonton. Of course. The resulting battle, replete with plenty of one liners and insanely creative kills, ends with Jack Frost’s tenuous defeat.

Yes, those are hair dryers

Yes, those are hair dryers

PAPA BACCHUS’ BACCHANAL-ISTICS

Gore

SO much cheesy 90s gore. Its glorious in its ridiculousness, and some of the kills are the best I’ve ever seen. Director Michael Cooney really took the snow man theme and ran with it, to brilliant effect. From using carrots as dildo’s to icicles as missiles Jack Frost makes the most of his cold, watery form.

Nudity

No! Honestly, the only downside to this film. I mean, you’ve already got the R rating, the shlocky 90s gore and the perfect comedy backdrop – sprinkle in some goddamn tits! I was hoping that since it was Shannon Elizabeth’s breakout role we’d get some action but…no. She had to wait.

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There you go, fellow titty lovers, there you go. Rest easy.

Humor

YES. Ye gods, writers Michael Cooney and Jeremy Paige deliver some of the most brilliant one liner’s I’ve seen outside of an Arnold flick. Seriously, check out some of these gems: IMDB Quotes. TELL ME YOU ARENT SOLD

"Looks like Christmas came a little early this year. Well, I hope it was good for you honey" FUCKING GOLD

“Looks like Christmas came a little early this year. Well, I hope it was good for you honey” FUCKING GOLD

CONCLUSIONS

I’m a little ashamed to admit that today was the first time I’d seen this one – but I am extremely glad I did. I’d seen bits and pieces here and there and in various stages of sobriety, but never sat down and barreled through it. I had low expectations…and they were completely blown away. I actually got pissed at one point that I’d waited so long! Excellent writing, brilliant corny performances from actors I’ve largely NEVER heard of – its really a one stop shop! If it can penetrate this foggy and booze addled brain so acutely I guarantee you’ll get a rise out of it.

TL;DR 9/10 “Whats the difference between snow men and snow women?” “Snow BALLS!” Seriously. Grab a drink and a coupla friends. You won’t regret it.

TRAILER

FULL MOVIE (again, its on both YouTube and Netflix)

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