Christmas Horror

Santa’s Slay (2005)

If you haven’t seen it already and you’re curious if this movie is worth your time, stop right now and GO WATCH IT. Yes, my reviews hilarious and worth your time but I can wait.

Wrestling star Goldberg as an ass kicking, booze swillin fire breathin titty loving Santa Claus – if you don’t think that isn’t the most brilliant premise for a Christmas Horror movie then we really aren’t going to get along.

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DRINK OF CHOICE

High quality Egg Nog, spiked heavily with Bourbon. The perfect beverage for some Christmastime slashing.

SYNOPSIS

Honestly, I’m quite impressed with the premise. Taking a bit from many different Santa stories (like Krampus) Santa is actually a demon, the son of the Devil with a penchant for gambling. A wily angel takes advantage of this terrible terrible addiction, proposing a wager, and when he loses Santa’s forced into 1000 years of slavery, bringing joy and presents to children the world over.

Gamblings no joke kids. *swigs from bottle*. Real serious addiction kids. *pukes in sink*

Gamblings no joke kids. *swigs from bottle*. Real serious addiction kids. *pukes in sink*

Course when those thousand years are up, Santa’s got quite the bone to pick. So naturally he goes on a wild murder spree, starting with an extremely dysfunctional family (all famous JEWISH actors…COINCIDENCE??).

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Clearly, not a Nanny fan

From there, its a non stop gore fest as Santa punishes the naughty. Well…I guess not just the naughty…like, pretty much everyone gets it.

BACCHUS’ BACCHANAL-ISTICS

Gore

Blood a plenty. More comical than nauseating.

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Nudity

Fuuuuck yes. Strip club + mistletoe = AWESOME

Performances

Emilie De Ravin and Douglas Smith are both very strong as the leads, and the supporting cast does pretty much what they need to – stay out of the way. This film isn’t about riveting performances or brilliant writing.

CONCLUSIONS

I’m not necessarily a fan of wrestling, but even a neophyte such as myself knows the name Goldberg. If for nothing else than those fuckin muscles – I don’t swing that way but I’ll be damned if my dick don’t twitch just a little bit at seein THIS:

I mean, dude. Santa is JACKED

I mean, dude. Santa is JACKED

Weird oddly homoerotic trouser tingling aside, there isn’t a dull moment in Santa’s Slay. Seriously. From the family brawl at the start, to the bizarre claymation backstory, to the fucking ‘hell deer’ (its a bison) that pulls his sleigh, this is one wonderful ride. Goldberg’s performance can be a bit…rough…near the end but who gives a shit.

...not that I would say that to his face

…not that I would say that to his face…

This is the type of movie that you sit down with a drink, some friends, turn on the Christmas lights, and laugh your fucking asses off for an hour and a half. Not exactly a thinking mans movie (I mean Santa tears shit up in a strip club) but it isn’t supposed to be. What its supposed to be is ridiculous bloody fun, and that it is.

TL;DR 9/10. Tis the season to get fucked up and watch Santa slaughter some titties

TRAILER

also, the WHOLE MOVIE is up on YouTube. Not sure how long it will be or whatever but I’m not the one who put it there so ENJOY


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4 replies »

  1. A sterling kick-off to our two weeks of Christmas Horror, Papa Bacchus. I guess Goldberg doesn’t have the “acting chops” of a Dwayne (Rock) Johnson, but hey, you nailed the salient points of both this movie, & the HH holiday horror festival. Later today I will be posting two HH pictorials chock full of evil Santas & titties. I call the first one EVIL TITS.

    Like

  2. SO FUNNY. Goldberg totally had his wrestler voice on, too. Eventually I started adding a Hogan “brother” to the end of every line … we were cracking up.

    Like

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