asian horror

Big Tits Zombie (2010)

01

Big Tits Zombie, aka Big Tits Dragon: Hot Springs Zombie vs. Stripper 5, promises much in its long-winded title.  Sadly I must report that the movie doesn’t even attempt to cash the check it’s written here, because I’ve seen romcoms with more tits and ass.  (Okay that’s a lie – I wouldn’t be caught dead watching any romcom).  Nevertheless, ‘ol Sweaty’s here to warn you: if you’re looking for a good tit- and zombie-filled good time, by gods avoid this flick like the undead plague.

Sweaty’s Stats

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Nudity

A depressingly small amount of topless scenes.  These strippers should be throwing bills back into the crowd.

Gore

A decent amount, though the effects themselves are mediocre at best.

Screwball Factor

Moderate.  It’s plenty silly in parts, but never over-the-top enough to be actually funny, nor strange enough to be shocking.

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Summary

We begin with promise, as two hot chicks (Ginko and Lena) battle the undead armed with chainsaws and katana swords.  The resulting battle is a choreographic nightmare, but the director must’ve been enamored with it because don’t worry, you’re going to be seeing the sequence in its entirety again at the end of the film.  Also, half the zombies look like people heading to a Halloween party.

02

“Zombie.”

We’re introduced to a cast of five “entertainers” who neither dance sexy nor de-clothe, so it leaves one to wonder just what the hell the makers of this film thought the word “stripper” meant.

03

I guess “fashion show for drag queen apparel” translates a little differently over there.

When the theater closes, their boss, a certified Japanese cowboy, sends the girls to the neighboring spa in order to entertain the patrons there.  After learning that the previous owners of the spa committed suicide, the girls discover a secret door leading to an underground well.  Maria, the gothic Lolita of the group, finds the Necronomicon and subsequently tries to summon the dead with it.  This activates the well to hell, and here come our zombies.  Later, while performing on stage, the girls are attacked by more guys in Halloween masks.

04

Sigh.

The girls escape to their dressing room to plan their next move.  Maria realizes she’d rather command an army of the undead that hang with these bitches any longer, so off she goes.  The end battle comes between her minions and the remaining girls, but hold up a second: an unnecessary and tacked-on plot addition appears!  Ginko’s murdered little sister shows up along with the mental patient responsible for her death, a man who never saw justice as he was too unstable to prosecute … yadda, yadda, he’s a zombie, Ginko gets her revenge and Christ I couldn’t care less at this point.

05

You know what? Just give me actual poison.

More zombies die, a demon shows up deus ex machina-style to drag Maria down the well, and the movie ends with Lena as sole survivor, though she’s able to summon the others (?) at will with the Book of the Dead.  Yawn.  This one does follow a few of the J-horror conventions, though.  So for those of you playing at home, we’ve got the following tropes going on:

– Cutting

– Suicide

– Japanese cowboy

– Pervy old men

– Hot chicks with katanas

If nothing else, this awful flick has cemented the fact that I think it’s time I created a genuine J-horror drinking game for this place.  See?  Silver linings.

Final Thoughts

As far a zomcoms go, this one sinks to the bottom in terms of quality and enjoyment.  I’m all for a low-budget film, but there are corners cut in BTZ that will leave you groaning louder than the shuffling corpses on the screen.  The constant reuse of environments is a minor annoyance; the recycling of zombies is a major one.  For some reason they decided to go with “themed” zombies, as in, a ninja zombie, a goth zombie, a nurse zombie, etc.  Ordinarily such a thing could be fun.  In this movie however, they used these same handful of zombies in literally every scene – and what’s more, it occasionally blew the continuity to pieces.  I saw the goth “top hat” zombie fighting some girls in a basement; in the very next scene he was outside trying to eat her friends.  Ninja zombie gets knocked to the floor; in the very next shot he’s on his feet on the other side of the same girl, attacking her.  It’s not clear whether or not this was intentional, but it doesn’t matter.  Like the rest of the film, it just wasn’t funny.

Another problem: the entire opening sequence, a flash-forward of the film’s end, is again revisited shot-for-shot, line-for-line, without so much as a change in camera angle.  This is exasperating as viewer and comes off as undeniably lazy.  Budget is no excuse, of course; as we all know, money has little to do with the creative capabilities of a film’s director.

MICHAEL BAY, MIKE TYSON, HIROMI OSHIMA

Case in point.

One redemption?  The inclusion of actor Mame Yamada, whom you may remember from Tokyo Gore Police, as well as his role as the syphilitic midget from Takashi Miike’s Imprint.  As much a fan as I am, his small (I’m sorry) role was not enough to save this disaster.

One interesting aspect that I’ll admit we don’t see in a lot of zombie flicks is that the zeds of BTZ still retain their intelligence, even as flesh-devouring monsters.  This opens the door to some comedic elements (for instance, the spa patrons who once ate sushi off a naked girl later dig their chopsticks into her guts).  Though again, while this particular scene is funny on paper, it’s marred by shoddy effects work and uninteresting dialogue.  This movie gave me a sense that there was a lot to work with (perhaps because it is based on the manga Kyonyu Dragon) but was overall executed poorly.  While I did chuckle several times at some of the goofier parts, there was nothing particularly engaging about the film.  The characters are forgettable, the writing is uninspired and the effects are inconsistent.  But the worst offense?  For a movie with “Big Tits” right there in the title, we’re given a paltry few seconds of bare skin.  This flick is nothing more than a fluffer; teasing but not delivering, leaving us to find the real party somewhere else.

06

There. There’s the pinnacle of the movie. Just saved you an hour.

Score: 5/10, disappointingly boring

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IMDB for this sleeping pill

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4 replies »

  1. Hmm, I was curious about this. Now I know. This was followed by two unofficial, completely unrelated sequels — Horny House of Horror and Erotibot. I’ve seen the former, and while it was super low-budget, I enjoyed it well enough.

    Like

    • Sounds like they corrected a few of their mistakes, then. I’m all for a campy, low-budget affair, even effects-wise, but it’s got to be funny at least. This one was just flat on all accounts.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What an improbable snooze fest & shit; with that title I figured we’d have 87 minutes of non-stop tit fucking, tit-slapping, tit-tennis, & tits for tea parties.

    Like

    • You and me both, buddy. Going into these movies blind is always a gamble, but goddamn. With a title like that, it’s like false advertising.

      Like

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