Indie horror

Piranha Sharks (2014)

Whew.

Ok, so fair warning – we had a LOT of fun with this one, and in the spirit of the film consumed a few too many fake gold flakes courtesy of my new cinnamon flavored schnapps-y nemesis. SO, forgive the errors and apparent brevity, half the time was spent laughing our asses off and attempting to locate our pants, Sorbo-style.

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People Love Sharks! The tagline screams with authority rather blatantly pointing at Sharknado and its sequel – and the resounding, emphatic answer is

FUCK YEA WE DO.

What do you love more than sharks….? Titties!

Wait..no, PIRANHAS! (but also sweet sweet boobage. Always boobage.)

Enter…

piranha-sharks

 

Synopsis

Genetically modified sharks sold as a more vicious sea monkey variant inevitably wreck shop in the sewers and water lines of New York.

Basically.

On top of that you’ve got a brilliant and hilarious trio of Pest Control specialists (exterminators? fuck if I know) with a surprising level of character depth, absolutely not what I was expecting. I mean, shit, look at the poster. Said specialists, led by the brilliant Collin Galyean, quickly realize the danger these minuscule monstrosities pose, and begin cooking up a cure. And none to soon, as the biological shit hits the fan and the entire New York water supply is contaminated.

 

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY

When Mayor Burman (Kevin SORBO people!) learns that the military has just decided to nuke Manhattan (with, like, no deliberation. Just ‘NUKE THAT SHIT YO!’) he quickly runs out of options…until the Bug Blastin brothers show up with a last ditch effort.

Conclusions

HahahahahasahsAHHAHSDHShsashahhaaaaaaa….shit!

First off, as I stated earlier, you’ll wanna drink Goldshlager with this one. Try mixing it with apple juice/cider..bit sweet but HoLEE BLAckED out banana’s DOES IT WORK.

 

I blame this unfairly sexy man

I blame this unfairly sexy man

So. Yeah. Now that we’ve got that over with (and i’ve successfully located my pants) lets finish this review.

Bacchus’ Bacchanal-istics

Nudity

Not really. Some damn sexy ladies though (Ramona Mallory HNNNNGG), and a few CHOICE strip club scenes. Also, apparently the sexiest political aides in the world. Seriously. If Congress could take a few notes here I’d give more than two limp willy fucks about politics.

Performances

Stellar! Even the smallest parts were played DAMN well. For a movie like this you expect a dish HEAVY on the cheese but it was all extremely well done. Super excited to see some of my faves from Rabid Love – Josh Hammond (who still needs to add a pic to his IMDB bio YO!), Jessica Sonneborn, Noel Thurman and Brandon Stacy. And, as you can expect, some choice cameo’s – for some reason Jose Canseco makes an appearance, and the brilliant Kevin Sorbo (who’s pants policy I appreciate) shows up for a relatively major part.

 

Jessica NOOOOO!!!!!

 

Also, I have to make a serious caveat here – when I said the character development was impressive, that was me being skimpy with the adjectives. It might feel like a slow build, but its worth it – these players aren’t your standard one dimensional dumb blondes and jackass jocks, we’ve got real depth and genuine emotion. Paranoia, Tourette’s, anthrophobia, the estranged father and surprisingly well adjusted kid. Fucking BADASS man…worth it for that alone!

 

Pants Policy - APPROVED

Pants Policy – APPROVED

Writing

Spectacular! Some GREAT one liner’s, brilliant conversation and generally genius rapport.

TL;DR 9/10. I genuinely hope this movie gets the attention it deserves – watch it with a friend and a couple dozen drinks!!

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TRAILER

BUY or RENT on demand here!

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2 replies »

  1. This one is a gas, we enter into it expecting a clear slam-dunk parody piece of shit, & lo & behold, damn, the turkey becomes a hawk, and ends up with fucking 9 stars. My head is seriously twisted sideways on this one.

    Like

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