Fucked up Fridays

The Quiet Ones (2014)

Following in suit with the Conjuring we have another story of haunting and possession. Set in Oxford, The Quiet Ones tells the story of a professor and a group of students conducting an experiment on Jane Harper, hoping to ‘cure’ her of her haunting. The Quiet Ones plods along with a slow intensity and a subtle creepiness that is thoroughly uninteresting (which lends credence to the fact that its inspired by true events…only something true could be this boring).

the-quiet-ones01

 

SUMMARY

Jane Harper (played by Olivia Cooke) is possessed by the malignant spirit Evie, and professor Joseph Coupland (Jared Harris) is dead set on removing said spirit.

“Cure one person and we cure mankind”.

I....am a clever science-y type person man!

I….am a clever science-y type person man!

Enlisting the help of a few students (including a camera man) the professor subjects Jane to a series of intense situations, hoping to manifest the spirit, pull Evie out and remove her. When his funding is cut, the good professor relocates Jane and the experiment to the country, where things rapidly begin to escalate and Evie makes herself known.

There’s a few relatively standard paranormal events. Thudding in other rooms, EMF readings off the charts, that sort of thing. According to the formula, one of the students calls bullshit, and just as he’s making his point – BOOM, shit hits the fan.

I FUCKIN HATE DOLLLLLLLLS

I FUCKIN HATE DOLLLLLLLLS

BACCHUS’ BACCHANAL-ISTICS

(so I’ve decided to start stealin’ from Sweaty here. I dig the format.)

Nuditay

  • Unfortunately no. Though, even sweet sweet boobage wouldn’t save this piece.

Scare factor

  • There’s a few jump scares and one or two relatively creepy moments. Honestly the scariest moments were the ghetto clapper action the camera man used to set takes.

Performances

  • Generally unremarkable. Olivia Cooke, a relative newcomer to the scene, filled out her role nicely – Jared Harris is talented as ever, though his character isn’t exactly written with a whole lot of depth. The obvious star, Sam Claflin, brings a ton of emotion but little other dimension
And for my next performance...I think i'll with 'Brooding'...then...I'll spice it up with a little moping!

And for my next performance…I think i’ll  go with ‘Brooding’…then…I’ll spice it up with a little moping!

CONCLUSIONS

Fucking snore fest. Snooze city. Tedious, dull, mundane, monotonous, monotone, stodgy, lackluster and downright uninspired.

But hey…the endings kinda fun.

TL;DR 4/10…though that does feel a bit generous.

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TRAILER

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