If you're already drunk

The Last Days on Mars (2013)


Hey there, kiddies! Today we’re going to fucking Mars! Who wants to join the 250 million mile high club?  Grab your space wine and join me in the Last Days on Mars.  Now, when I first heard of this film I’m thinking some sort of freaked out Martian monsters the likes of which we could not fathom but no. We get martian zombies because we can never have to many zombies…….apparently. *Sigh*

Oh and if you are looking for scientific accuracy look elsewhere. Nothing but us martian zombies. This one is a Magnet film and I am a huge Magnet fan. For me it seems I at least enjoy if not love every film that keeps coming my way from them.

This little adventure takes us to a group astronauts exploring Mars. It starts off during a dust storm that they seem oddly calm about. Fast forwarding, one of the scientists makes a discovery he neglects to tell anyone about.


Oh look! Space dirt! Yay science!

Of course a mysterious sink hole opens up and swallows Marko the scientist.The team decides to attemot to retrieve Marko’s body because that seems like a good idea. In the opposing corner we have Kim the Cunt who seems to just be in bitch mode 24/7 which is unfortunate seeing that she’s one of the more intelligent of the crew. They return to the site where Marko was eaten by Mars and they send down that guy who played Sabertooth in X-Men Oriigins or his movie name, Vincent (Liev Schreiber). Not only is this a somewhat risky endeavor but this guy has issues; the kind of issues that you’d think would be taken into account when volunteering people to go in freaky uncharted martian caves. He has weird claustrophobia induces flashbacks to some prior mission that went wrong. You’d think NASA would think before sending this mofo back into space on a three year round trip. After he’s done freaking the fuck out down there he discovers black fungus growing on the rocks below. 

"Can't see shit? Perfect. You're good to go."

“Can’t see shit? Perfect. You’re good to go.”

On the way back they discover that Marko and his buddy are now zombies. While running for their lives Captain Brunel is mortally wounded. And boom. Zombie Casey Jones.


Poor Casey Jones.

In the midst of dealing with Brunel, Irwin gets scratched but conceals his infection. After a lot of arguing and zombie fighting, Kim, the bitch queen, gets let behind to die thanks to Irwin. She pissed of a lot o people anyway. She’s one of those characters they do a decent job of making you hate. So good riddance, ho.


“Aw man. This shits 

Zombie Mode

The remaining three make their way to the to the other station where Rebecca gets nailed in the leg with a pair of scissors with pretty much seals her fate and Irwin is starting to go sour. They eventually start to make their way to the rover but of course 2 out of the 3 are infected so you can only imagine how that goes. I’ll give you a hint. One gets headbutted to death and other dramatically runs into the -80 degree martian atmosphere to pop her helmet off and sacrifice herself for the greater good. 


Vincent is  the lone survivor which would be awesome if not for the severe lack of fuel he has which means he cannot reach the rendezvous point. The movie ends when the point is made that he is most likely fucked. ,

Last Days on Mars when fun when shit gets going but before that it falls a little flat. not to mention it’s suffering from cliche syndrome Definitely worth watching inebriated but don’t expect anything amazing. I enjoyed it but I was not blown away. 
5/10 glasses of wine. Maybe 5 or 6 boxes.

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