asian horror

Guinea Pig 5: Android of Notre Dame (1988)

01

Android of Notre Dame seeks to borrow from the awesome Reanimator, but the stilted acting and dull, monotonous pacing of the plot put it more in the category as The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.  With barely any gore, one has to wonder how this film managed to secure a spot in one of the most revered splatter series of all time.  Line up the vodka Redbulls, because you’re going to need the caffeine to make it through this snoozer.

Sweaty’s Stats
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Nudity

Some titty shots here and there, as the doc prefers to reanimate nude corpses.

Gore

What’s there is still pretty good but not worth enduring the rest of the movie for.

Scare Factor

Zero.  Unless you’re scared of yawning yourself to death.

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Summary

Initially, the film looks like it has promise.  We are introduced to a midget mad scientist, one with a penchant for corpse defiling and dressing as an old timey Wild West doctor.

02

Cowboys are just so kawaii.

With his expressionless sister tediously dying of some unknown illness, Dr. Dwarfenstein finds himself at a loss as to how to save her until a mysterious call comes, the party on the other end offering up some fresh meat for experimentation.  Soon after a human-sized box arrives.  Now here’s where you would expect the good stuff to begin, not the crushing disappointment that is instead this goddamn film.

03

There. There’s pretty much the extent of your gore. I just saved you an hour.

And so begins twenty minutes of watching the doc attach clamps to the various sinewy bits on the dead girl.  Seriously, I don’t know if the film fell short of running time or something, but filling it up with a thousand close-up shots of him attaching wires from every possible angle?  Not the right answer, guys.

04

“Hm. We’re gonna need a few more clamps here. Zoom in.”

After the experiment fails due to the meat being not-so-fresh after all, the mad doctor is paid a visit by the man on the phone.  He blackmails the doc by threatening him with a scary 1980’s computer virus in exchange for his research.  However as it turns out, the creepy little man with the dungeon lab and callous attitude regarding corpse abuse isn’t really the kind of person you want to piss off.  In the one redeeming portion of this film, the man awakes to find  himself nothing more than a living head, played expertly by actor Tomorowo Taguchi, whom you may recall played the lead in the fantastic Tetsuo: The Iron Man.  His twisted facial expressions and silent screams are the one saving grace of this film.

05

Marvel Entertainments Presents: Pinhead: Origins

As he slowly rots on the table, the man is subjected to some (again, very little) torture until he gives up location of his pretty wife/partner.  She arrives and is then killed in an elaborate and absurdly stupid manner, as a robotic arm controlled by her husband fondles her, then strangles her.  The doctor returns to find this fresh body all dead and waiting for him and so he sets to work saving his now recently deceased sister, for which he apparently only needed a heart.  Which seems strange, considering he just threw away a perfectly good male body after reanimating his head.  And by strange, I mean incredibly stupid.  The final scenes just run with the dumb, flip-flopping from cheesy Asian soap opera to bad sci-fi twist ending.  I feel lucky I came out of this one without having a stroke.

06

“Ha ha!  I just wasted fifty-one minutes of your life!”

Final Thoughts

There’s not much to say other than: don’t waste your time.  It’s nigh impossible to take a movie with midgets, naked dead girls and body horror and make it this uninteresting, yet somehow the makers of this film found a way.  Definitely a letdown after last week’s Mermaid in a Manhole, this one was originally shot as the second Guinea Pig but for whatever reason wasn’t released until much later.  In my opinion they should have just left it to collect dust.

Score: 3/10, skip it and watch Mermaid again

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IMDB for this coma-inducer

Follow me on twitter for more jokes about corpse abuse

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