From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)

Oooo, opening with Bruce Campbell and Tiffany Amber Thiessen?? Brilliant start. However, lets keep the Tequila and Sol trend going. You’ll need a buzz for this piece.

Now – for those of you keeping track, the titty level in this one exists, and its satisfying, but its singular and overall does NOT compare to the first movie. Hit the jump for a preview.

Continuing the saga I bring you sexy beasts:


So it ain’t entirely English. It’s high res and you get the picture GET OFF MY BACK

Where does said nudity come from? (pun INTENDED BOYS)

One Maria Checa, playmate August 1994




SO. An ex-con Buck (played by the fucking T1000-Fox-Mulder-replacing Robert fucking Patrick) gets a call from his fellow escaped con friendo Luther (played by Duane Whitaker) and the games afoot. Assemble a crew for a bank heist tout suite. Fun way to set the stage when its on to the ‘Oceans 11′ style of recruiting.

First up we meet the dog fightin’ Jesus (pronounced JEE-ZUS) (played by Raymond Cruz who you should REALLY fucking know). He’s what we call ‘the Wildcard’.

Maybe if I do enough of these my mom will love me

Maybe if I do enough of these my mom will love me

Recruit number two happens to be a rodeo clown with all the trappings of a country song (as so tactfully pointed out by Buck) and the accent of a 65 year old smoker. Enter CW



Next up is fucktackle mcshitstick Ray Bob (played by Brett Harrelson)

He doesn’t exactly have the largest playbill.

Anywho once this cavalcade of fuckwits descends to the mexican border to begin their bank heist, things go south quick. People get attacked by vampires, the only viable set of tits in the movie gets all bitey

GRRR. ARRRGH (please don't sue me)

GRRR. ARRRGH (please don’t sue me)

And we learn quite quickly that the vampire conversion rate in this films RAPID AS FUCK.

Things begin to progress a bit, with moderate levels of suspicion surrounding the folks who suddenly appear VAMPIRIC how fucking STRANGE, but fuck that its all bout the money.

Bank heist goes down and the final conflict, as per formula, comes down to a very limited number of folks.

Two things – sunglasses and eclipses. It helps to pay attention early in movies folks, the foreshadowing is strong with this one.


First off, I quite enjoyed this movie. Again though, I was drinking Tequila.

Scott Spiegel attempts to borrow from Tarantino’s style (as Rodriguez did in the first), keeping with a similar score, using some of the same style iconic shots (trunk anyone?)

So I couldn't find the trunk shot, but goddamn if this one ain't similar

So I couldn’t find the trunk shot, but goddamn if this one ain’t similar

And I’ll give it to Spiegel but honestly, these are some bigass britches to fill, and fuck man…you just don’t have the cock for it. I mean, Scott, you tried to distinguish yourself. The first time we saw the interior mouth shot of a bite was cool, and I thought, man, he’s on to something. Then you reused the EXACT SAME SHOT and I thought, ok, well, I suppose its still effective. Then you melted zombies with the camera on the inside, looking through the new skeletons eye sockets and I thought:

Fuck you.

Scott, I wanted to love you baby, but now I think your whole agenda is to fist my ass, and I gotta tell ya Mr. Scott Spiegel, I don’t take kindly to ass fistings.

Har har the license plate now says BYT MEE

Seriously though man, stop trying to put it in my butt.

final note: I had to look up how long eclipses lasted (because I couldn’t believe it was that long) and apparently it can be as long as 2 hours SO I STAND CORRECTED. Anywho.

tl:dr 4.5/10 – if you’re drunk, go for it. If you can’t afford anything else, go for it. Its fun.


IMDB for the film

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