asian horror

Sick Nurses (2007)

01

In my ongoing quest to bring you sick little freaks the nastiest and most offensive in Asian horror, I often consider suggestions from others.  Unfortunately, I can’t remember who suggested I watch Sick Nurses, and so my fantasy of going all Cheech Wizard on his dangly bits will have to remain just that.

I hope you like softcore, because that’s all you’re going to get with this waste of everyone’s time.  In a word?  YAWN.

 

Sweaty’s Stats

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Nudity

NO.  So much tease, so zero payoff.  The lack of boobs in this movie is almost infuriating.

Gore

Not much, but there is one jaw-dropping scene.

Scary

If you’re a milquetoast who quivers at the sight of creepy girls with long hair over their faces, then you’ll be pleasantly startled by this.  And also by ninety percent of Eastern horror.

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Summary

We start off with a solid premise: a back-alley hospital, a doctor and his team of nurse hotties, and a scheme to harvest dead bodies in order to sell them for profit on the black market.  The clinical environment , the surgical equipment, the young, naïve women – these things all make for a great horror setting.  Fucking that up truly takes some sort of special skill.  It was as if the directors (yes, it took two of them to pinch this one off) were trying to piss off their audience.

uwe_boll_finger

Approves.

The movie revolves around the nurses, who are both characteristically indistinct from one another and fully clothed throughout the entirety of the film.  We do get a minute and a half of lesbian kissing down the line but it ain’t much, especially when you have to endure the forty minutes of Asian General Hospital, a soap opera destined to cause a booze-addled mind to consider tossing the bottle through the screen.  Doc’s been boning one nurse and her sister on the side, so get ready for a lot of boring drama.  Being that he’s the sole penis in the film, of course all of the girls fawn and fight over him, argue and snipe at one another, and talk and talk and OH GOD KILL ME.

03

He’s a shady, two-timing, corpse-defiling doctor in a failing clinic! I must have him!

His original lover decides she’s going to out their little necro business out of spite, so the girls strap her down and kill her instead.  And so follows yet another tired installment of the vengeful ghost genre.  I will admit that the ghost/monster/whatever-he/she-is is unique looking and a little bit on the creepy side.  The scenes revolving around it manage to do some inspired things with angles and lighting.

04

Ladies.

The girls all get what’s coming to them, in a way that I assume was supposed to be tailored towards their “distinct” personalities, but unless you’re paying close attention, the lack of much character development makes it difficult to pick up.  For instance, one girl loves material things.  A flashback shows the doctor giving her a handbag and so the ghost ironically kills her with … the handbag.  I reiterate: YAWN.  The one saving grace of this boring, boring fucking movie is a single scene involving razorblades.  I won’t give it away, but it’s a refreshingly gory scene in what is essentially a flick with little creativity.  Unfortunately, not even this single scene is free of failure – though the traditional effects are fantastically gross, the makers of this film saw it necessary to cap it off with bad CGI.  Sigh.

It goes as you’d expect.  The ghost gets its revenge on the girls, leading up to a showdown with the doctor and his current girl, the ghost’s sister.  There’s a little bit of a twist at the end which I found interesting, though hardly redeeming.  The final scene is nicely bloody and features some very weird birthing gore, but again, it’s not enough to make up for nearly an hour of wishing I was doing anything but watching this.

 

Final Thoughts

Skip it.  Or, skip to the last half hour.  Once the film gets to the actual horror part, it’s not bad.  Some of the deaths are a little more creative than handbag lady, and some of the gore is good, but even these scenes are inconsistent.  Overall Sick Nurses is a lie at best; it’s not nearly sick enough for this gal, nor do the nurses deliver what the movie suggests.  Whoever told me to watch this, you owe me a bottle of mid-grade scotch.

05

Cleavage and milk residue. This is the sexiest shot in the entire film, as directed by two nine-year-olds.

 

Score: 4/10, and three points are for the razorblade scene alone

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IMDB for this snoozer

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