Must see

Sanctuary; Quite a Conundrum


What a fucking RIDE.

Tits, booze, blood, laughs, booze, plot twists and a script that’d make Quentin Tarantino erect! Strap in!



6 friends (3 guys, 3 girls) gather at lead character Mimi’s (played by the sulty Sasha Ramos) fathers house for what starts out as a slightly awkward night of sex, booze, and swimming. Things rapidly take a turn for the worse, and we soon find out what these young adults are truly capable of. While there’s no outright nudity, the film oozes sexuality thanks to Tabitha (Erin Cline) and is definitely worth your libido driven time. Don’t pass this one up, seriously. Or i’ll cut you.


First off, lets talk about the writing. This shit is so inventive Edison would tip his hat  shortly before puking in horror and then shaking writer Thomas L. Philips’ hand enthusiastically.

Its a bit slow to get going, as the first five minutes (while still EPIC by all concerns) do drag. It takes some time, but once the movie picks up speed, it coalesces remarkably. The characters immediately come into their own, and what little awkwardness existed previously dissolves in the face of conflict as the actors truly own their roles.

Enough of that scholastic shit back to the script and my favorite moments.

To capture a few, without giving too many spoilers:

 – He looks like a ‘portly justin bieber’

 – ‘Dude…I’d walk a thousand miles in broken glass to lick the last toilet seat she sat on’

 – You ever pull a ‘screamin’ seagull’? SO, you’re fuckin her on the beach, then you stick your dick in the sand, stick it back in her, she screams like a seagull

Yeah. Take that as an early sampling and tell me the five year old in you isn’t salivating in juvenile jealousy.

We don’t want to give much away here, so we’ll keep it suitably vague – the different characters off the bat SEEM to fit into very familiar tropes – jock, slut, virgin, mommy’s boy, etc – but quickly we see there’s much more below the surface, a quality evinced not only through the writing/directing, but through the respective actors remarkably thoughtful performances.

Quickly the house favorite became Harris, the momma’s boy turned party animal who coined the absolutely legendary phrase “maybe, if you let me see where the good lord split your lolly”. Oh boy – I am stealing that one.

Harris is my spirit animal

Harris is my spirit animal

The drunken montage, btw, was spectacular and beautifully edited – second only to the legendary The Other Guys montage;

While I can’t see the corollary another author drew between Clerks and Scream I can see what they were going for – witty teen drama meets creepy, downright pants shittingly eerie slasher horror. You won’t soon forget this one, so don’t you DARE pass it up. or I will stab you

Some quotes from the night

When Kylene is speaking with Harris’ mother ‘

Romulus: why do I get the feeling that old mother bitch found jesus after one too many dicks in the eye?


The girls are doing shots in the kitchen during the montage

Bacchus: THAT IS NOT A SHOTGLASS (referring to the nearly 6 inch tube their shooting tequila out of)

Romulus: For those chicks it is. They need something long in their mouths if they’re gonna swallow.

Bacchus: Yeah and then ima squeeze some lime in the tip AMIRITE?!

Romulus: No, fuckwaffle, you are not.


One eyed pirate guys creepin everybody out. Where was he hiding that gun.

Bacchus: That was not a stunt cock. That was a mini twizzler. But i’m sure it was cold out there SO


On the rapid departure of Sean (SPOILERS HIGHLIGHT TO VIEW)

Romulus: I’m sorry, this is the south (i’m assuming) and there’s a houseful of white people and a dead dude? Homie Sean broke the fuck OUT


The writing is fanTASTIC.

That was literally the last thing I had scrawled on my pad before I passed out pantsless somewhere near the kitchen.

And I’m not wrong – it is – but there’s so much more to this movie. I didn’t dislike a single performance – all the actors had chemistry. You’ve got sex, witty banter, gore, tension, and cocks of all size (if that’s your sorta thing).

So, seriously, check this out. It drops later this year under the new name Sanctuary; Quite a Conundrum.


IMDB for the film

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