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HH in search for Celebrity Spokesperson/Reviewer

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Hey, now, in the never-ending quest for quality on this site, I got wind that the management is considering hooking up a Celebrity for HH; wow, what an ambitious endeavor;  considering what the budget is around here. Hell, to be a staffer here one must pay management for the privilege of participating.

There was a list of 22 celebrities being considered. It would be like a charity gig for most of them, although 10 of them are already dead, so they could specialize in Zombie flicks & Undead epics & they work for free.

It is like that scene in WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT? where the two Peters, Sellers & O’Toole, ask Woody Allen what his salary is working in that French Strip Club. “A hundred a week,” Woody replies. “It’s not much,” O’Toole says. “But that’s all I could afford,” Woody adds.

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Woody Allen was first on the list to be interviewed, telling him that he could bring his clarinet with him, or just link up the reviews from his New York apartment, & boycott the HH office, as many of us do. Can you imagine the fucking mess it must be in? He could specialize in all the Children horror films, like SICK BOY (2012), THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE (1962), CARNIVAL OF SINNERS (1943), VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1960), CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984), IT’S ALIVE (1974), KILL, BABY, KILL (1966). 

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Marilyn Monroe was interested, and that would be way cool, cuz she could review all the space & spaced out chick movies, like VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1968), AMAZON WOMEN IN THE MOON (1987), SPACE GIRLS ARE EASY (1988).

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Young Emma Watson seems interested too, and she could add all the backstage on-the-set twisted sex games done on the five HARRY POTTER movies.

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Dan Aykroyd might consider doing some reviews as well, insight on all the GHOSTBUSTER series, and who could forget him in MASTERS OF MENACE (1990), EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (2001), and a real horror movie, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY (2007).

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Yes, even Lance Armstrong has come slumming, and we are not sure what films he might be interested in; perhaps ILLUSTRATED MAN (’69).

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Even former Mouseketeers show up, like Justin Timberlake; although he might just be too squeaky clean for the HH milieu.

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Elliot Gould is still around, and even though long-in-the-tooth, he’d like to talk about his marriage to Barbra Streisand, and the joys of being called MR. STREISAND. 

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Sure, why not Kid Rock, that might capture the young boozers & gamers.

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Sean Connery is a class act, of course, but when he gets shitfaced, he loves to talk about being decapitated in the HIGHLANDER movies, wearing a bandolier and a thong in ZARDOZ, or playing a Gary Cooper goes to outer space at High Noon in OUTLAND. 

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Oh yeah, Bette Davis, can fill us in on the high jinks between her and the aging Joan Crawford on WHAT HAPPENED TO BABY JANE. 

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Wow, even Orson Welles showed up, although he broke four chairs before they let him sit on a sofa. He wants to share an affair he once had with Truman Capote & Divine for Christ’s sake.

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Now when I heard that Groucho Marx was interested, he got my vote immediately. “I shot a zombie in my pajamas–what the hell he was doing in my pajamas I will never know!”

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Fred MacMurray threw his hat in the ring at one point, but management just felt that he was “too fucking normal.” Sorry, Freddy.

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Ed Sullivan applied for the position, and why the hell not, HORRIBLY HOOCHED is in fact, “A really big Sheeew!”.

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Now, Christ on a crutch, even Liberace showed up–that would be something novel; now that’s he’s both dead, & out of the closet, he might share how he felt about Michael Douglas playing him in BEHIND THE CANDELABRA. 

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Can you believe it, pilgrims, Marion Morrison, the Duke hisself, old Mr. America, John Wayne showed up. He is still pissed off that they used a CGI version of him in a TV commercial a few years ago. For some reason he wants to talk about how disappointed he was in Kirk Douglas & Brando, and how he endorses Jeb Bush in 2016.

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Now, OK, I would vote for William Bendix too, who played all those tough guys in the 40’s, then beat Archie Bunker to the punch with THE LIFE OF RILEY in the early 50’s, even though he had done the movie, and at first was not interested in a TV career, and he let Jackie Gleason play Riley the first season it was on; but that’s another story to tell at a different time.

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Yes, hell yes, HH could use some more color in the ranks, so maybe getting Jackie Robinson on board would be politically correct or some shit.

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OK, sure, and the last guy interviewed was old Bruce Willis. Why not, he isn’t afraid of the “F” word, drinks like a fish, and is just plain folks when you sobieski_brice_willis

get  him alone. Well, what do you think. Woody Allen, Liberace, MM, & Bruce Willis for me.

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