Don't even bother

The Upper Footage

For the record, we had no initial opinion on this piece.
Its found footage. Anyone whos fucking ANYONE is tired of found footage garbage. Claiming to be the replacement, or rather the latest supplicant to the Blair Witch throne, we find ourselves caught in the grasp of ‘The Upper Footage’.

Sounds real?

Sounds real?

There’s something ironic about us being asked to review a movie predicated on social media bans….

Great approach. But 4 guys to 2 girls? There’s no way these numbers work out to the tits we all fucking want.

Apparently we’re supposed to believe this is real. That’d be your first spoiler.

Still! Do not wander, the asses you’ll find within are fucking STELLAR. I mean…we’re talking some raw talent here. That, and side boob for DAYS. If you’re down for a mental tickle and some high quality booty, this may just be up your alley. Unfortunately the actings quite good as well…so you may find yourself snagged in a quality film despite all attempts to the contrary.

These men hunt like Romulus and I do. Though i’m not positive that’s a compliment they do find some quality ass.

The blissful piece is that the pixelated face indicates some sort of plot progression at 26 minutes. So the 30:30:30 ratio stands. We’ll see where we are at 60 minutes. Poor Jackie.

I'll spare you the foreshadowing but...yeah

I’ll spare you the foreshadowing but…yeah

So much for the 30:30:30 ratio. I’ve yet to see an escalation or conflict different from what was encountered at 27 minutes in.

I’m curious at what point someone decided this was similar to the ‘The Blair Witch Project’. Not to say that movie was any good but at least it revolutionized a genre. Unfortunately **SPOILERS** killing a woman, high class or not, does not a horror film make. Maybe if you want to go after the ‘thriller’ crowd, but still, ALL this is is FOUND footage.


A few too many shots highlighting whats established. A bit gives realism, a bit too much breeds disillusionment. And disinterest.

At fifty minutes in nothings interesting. I suppose we didn’t realize we’d signed on for a Christian Slater clone fuck. At an hour 10 we’re looking at the same. This is tension bred for people who party similarly – but all this is is a slightly twisted audiobook highlighting the failures of early twenty-somethings.

I’ll say this. It definitely plays like its supposed to. And dumping a body always puts a strain on long term relationships.

FINAL: Great opening, with a lackluster conclusion, lacking any element of terror, let alone horror.




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