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Evil Dead (2013)

First off, fuck you. Change the title a little bit it makes reviewing tricky when there’s two movies of the same name.

For the record, this is NOT EVIL DEAD. Do NOT watch this movie if thats what you’re expecting.

Also, while there’s great tits to be had, this movie isn’t about nudity. The ratio is terrible, so if that’s what you’re looking for, move the fuck on.

ALTHOUGH…these women are well picked.

HEEEERE'S DEAD BITCH

HEEEERE’S DEAD BITCH


SYNOPSISIFICATIN

Group of friends go out to the woods to a childhood cabin to detox a friend. They find some nasty shit. Turns out they shoulda listened to the junkie.

OH GOD WHY DIDNT I READ THE SCRIPT

OH GOD WHY DIDNT I READ THE SCRIPT

CONCLUSIONS

– Ok, for the record the homages are quite good. The special effects are great, and whoever did the makeup needs a better gig. That shit is fantastic.

– What a waste of good tits. I mean these bitches are fucking BEAUTIFUL. Still. Great death scenes.

– There are a few good scenes. Scenes that evoke the originals, while expanding on the idea with alarming success. That being said, as a horror, theres not much here. Its not scary. Its not terrifying. I don’t jump. But I do like the progression.

Bottom line? Don’t pay much, but definitely watch. Its fun. Just don’t get your hopes up high.

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL! wait. where am i

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL! wait. where am i

– Also, if self mutilation is your thing, this is the place.

– Stick around for the ending. For super realsies.

QUOTES OF THE NIGHT

(tree slug branch thing climbs into the chicks vag)

Bacchus: ….ima call that reason #301 i’m glad I dont have a vagina

—–

Romulus: Thinking about it, how smart can you really make a horror movie? Seems like there’s certain tropes you have to go through. I mean, what would-

Bacchus: -the music be without love?

Romulus:…..

Bacchus: Go Girl, by Pitbull. Carry on.

—–

Bacchus: YOU DONT KILL THE DOG DUDE. YOU KILL ALL THE PEOPLE BEFORE YOU KILL THE DOG.

—–

Romulus: Oddly enough, this reminds me, since I haven’t seen a good face peeling in a while, of Rob’s mother from Game of Thrones. Doesnt she like…cut her face up in the books?

Bacchus: Nah she uses her fingers.

Bacchus: Wait…I love how you’re all ‘I haven’t seen a good face peeling in a while’. What the FUCK man?

Romulus: Hey, we watch a lot of horror.

hot AND dead? SIGN ME UP

hot AND dead? SIGN ME UP

—–

Overall, i’d say its fun. Its not the original, though you’ll definitely recognize the homages, and it shouldn’t be viewed as anything remotely similar. However, its worth the ride. The work that went into this movie is spectacular. Nevermind the shitty bits. Like, say, the hot springs in the basement. Or whatever.

IMDB it

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