Must see

Rare Exports, HO HO HO MOTHER FU*KER

I have to admit to a certain degree of excitement when I first sat down to watch this movie with Romulus. We’d gotten sufficiently toasty on whisky beer and Borderlands 2 first before we were ready to properly celebrate the holiday season. Don’t get me wrong here, at all, not for one whore fucking minute – my favorite genre IN THE WORLD is holiday horror. I mean, Thankskilling, on the most miniscule budget, blew my cock straight off. This however…this I was excited for. Saw the trailer nearly a year back now, and have been waiting ever since to watch. And I mean I got drunk even by Bacchus standards…so this should be interesting.

No, its not snuff. Just weird old man balls.

No, its not snuff. Just weird old man balls.

To break it down in a simple fashion, one rich dude has a weird Santa fetish. Apparently Santa is some creepy demon fella with a penchant for ice naps. Equally creepy said rich Santa fuck guy hires a team to excavate said Klaus Demon without much regard for safety or plausibility.  Cut to Christmas Eve and its time for some redneck justice following the death of a herd of reindeer and some appropriate prophesying by a 10 year old.

Shotguns and scandinavians. Or, really awkward porn

Shotguns and scandinavians. Or, really awkward porn.

AND NOW SHIT GETS INTERESTING MINIFAGS.

To point: Santa Claus in Finnish means Yule Goat so…yeah. Dudes a dick. Apparently been straight up murdering naughty kids and the like for a while, may also eat faces. Sounds like a good thing to liberate. Kid finds –

OH JESUS FUCK WHY THE FUCK WHAT THE

OH JESUS FUCK WHY THE FUCK WHAT THE

Evil Santa…an interesting idea. Go along with the thought and sell him back to the american individuals so interested. Interesting ride with Santa in the back lookin super creepy at the kid. No biggie tho right? 85k is the asking price for Santa apparently.

ok well seems a bit..i don’t know. fucking silly? Yeah. I mean… at least round that shit off. Oh the last door, 24, like a really shitty advent calendar…Twist is, old dudes not santa, just a lil helper…Ok, holy shit, Santa is a massive beast with horns…his elves are creepy old dudes…all the stolen radiators from the town were to defrost him…HOLY SHIT he feeds on naughty children. Little kid steps up and proposes blowing up santa…are you SERIOUS?? BRILLIANT. OMG the elves HAVE to eat the gingerbread fantastic.

DID THIS FUCKING MOVIE JUST END IN SLAVE LABOR. Ok, this is new. OH NOW THE TITLE MAKES SENSE THEY’RE EXPORTING SANTA CLAUSES. fuck

MERRY XMAS FAGGOT. HOW BOUTS A GREYBEARD GANGBANG

MERRY XMAS FAGGOT. HOW BOUTS A GREYBEARD GANGBANG

 

ow

editors note: I wrote this shit during the movie while drinking. Passed out here.

Categories: Must see

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