Don't even bother

Total Recall

Or something else clever. What the fuck am I watching anyway? Standalone i’m 100% on board. LOSE THE NAME YOU MERCILESS FUCKS.

Shit.

seriously, fuck off

seriously, fuck off

Jessica Biel? Like anyone could say no now. I understood a bit of trepidation when it came to Sharon Stone but honestly man…you’ve lost me. Starting on a different note…? Ok. Pretty hard to say no to Kate Beckinsale.

Oh, except, its fucking absolutely not.

GOING FORWARD THIS ‘MOVIE’ WILL BE CONSIDERED HORROR. BECAUSE…HORROR.

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU

Get me straight here – I actually enjoy Colin Ferrell. Fright night, In Bruges, I get the dude, he does in truth have TALENT. And again, Kate Beckinsale – here’s a horrifyingly beautiful woman i’d believe in any character if it weren’t for No Vacancy. That review should…thrill you.

And yet?

Throw as much of a budget you please at this diamond polished turd, DON’T YOU EVER FUCK WITH MY CHILDHOOD. Consider this a threat against the Robocop remake, fuckers.

Look, cpt. Ferrell, YOU ARE NOT AHNOLD.

If this were a new movie I’d suck my own dick and you could call me Suzy.  Hold on I’m apparently watching transformers on rails.

I wait with baited breath.

….baited….

…breath…

anytime now right?

Look, toss a large budget at a piece of shit and…its still a piece of shit.

OH NO WAIT 3 TITS NOW ITS OK

YEAH EXCEPT THE INTERNET HATES YOU

YEAH EXCEPT THE INTERNET HATES YOU

Thanks, interest, we’ll all check out now if its ok. Shit, never mind, apparently there’s a…story….?

Ah fuck, here we go again

 

NO LISTEN DONT WORRY ITS OK –

I can’t do it. I really can’t. Every minute of this horrific acupuncture gone wrong requires an extreme suspension of disbelief…at least before we wondered.

Now? I’d sooner suck a rancid racoon cock than give this piece of aborted fetus screen time. RUN AWAY you silly FUCKS!

If you’ve seen a Michael Bay film I’d wager you know how this is going to end.

I’m goin to revisit this tattooed and festooned gangfuck when time allows. For now? Fuck right off.

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