We're gonna need a bigger bottle

The Hamiltons, or ‘How I touched your brother’

We’re gonna start this bitch off with one thing – fucking TITTIES! You heard me. A horror movie with good fuckin titties for a fucking change.

HOLY BUBBLEGUM CHEWIN JESUS LOOK AT THEM NIPS

I know it seems like a silly thing to get worked up over but the booze disagrees. You just dont see proper nips in horror any more.

Unfortunately, its pretty downhill from here.

I mean hey – far be it from us to say nay to a pair of male/female twins making out but HOLY SHIT BATMAN CAN YOU SAY – oh I have the strangest boner right now. The awkward analogue of humans to cattle not withstanding I’ll watch two hot chicks make out while dragging my balls through glass shards if thats what it takes. I mean, this is like cruel intentions gore porn potential here. That, unfortunately, doesn’t seem realized.

Major props to the casting director for finding these insanely hot chicks though! Makes the fact that I’m drinking cheap whiskey that much more tolerable.

Like acting, directing, filming….

So anyway there I was, thinking like a reasonable adult, what happened to the good old fashioned horror I could get hard and awkwardly make love to my pillow too go?

Good question tard nuts, because it is absolutely resolutely not a part of this picture. Choose one! Character development/torture porn. Its clear Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores couldn’t choose one way or the other. The half realized character profiles, slow dissection of a fucked up family, and some awkward torture scenes vaguely implied with very shitty FX are all over the place.

Just polished off a glass and hucked the bottle at my cat. I  mean I’ve had a history of unpleased pussy but this is a new record.

Suddenly ass! Nice ass too, cute little boy shorts, a welcome reprieve from the general banal exposition. Oh hey lesbians, lets see that shit again and then BAM torture porn. ish. I haven’t seen blood that comically bright red since Peter Jackson’s first flick.

hey later lets play scrabble

I’m looking at half another bottle, and seriously can’t conceive finishing this half regurgitated poorly thought out thesis film.

Fine.

I’ll stick it out.

But if some serious shit doesn’t go down soon ima straight up eat a puppy..

AND THE ONE PAIR O TITS I WANT I DON’T GET?

die in a fire

Oh fuck, you contrived piece of mind maggotry WHO IS THIS COCK WIGGLER? I can understand why kids run away if all social workers are this horrible. I’d explain further but its not fucking worth it. Not to worry the big reveals handled by a whore mangling WOOD CHIPPER.

wait.

really?

REALLY.

ohhhhh my god.

Well hey, to be fair, none of us saw this coming. That twist ALMOST makes this intolerable pile  of composted garbage tolerable. Final verdict?

7 glasses.

That being said walk the fuck away and watch bambi or some shit.

Imdb that shizz

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